


The Daily Thoughts Of An Anxiety Filled Teenager

by RobronSugdenDingle



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bad Days, Cooking, Depressing, Depression, M/M, References to Depression, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 17:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19089637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobronSugdenDingle/pseuds/RobronSugdenDingle
Summary: Basically i had a really bad day last Friday on the way to my art course so this is a vent and my writing on what I have to suffer through my head due to anxiety. Yes, 'You' is referred to Aaron.





	The Daily Thoughts Of An Anxiety Filled Teenager

**Author's Note:**

> My aim is to make my work relatable and I hope this is relatable to anyone who experience severe anxiety.

"You're nothing! You'll always be nothing!"   
  
You know...it's hard to let it go through one ear and out the other, just like grandma Faith always said. Her advice was always to let it through one ear and out the other and then you won't end up dwelling on the bad times in the past.   
  
But as soon as you hear the words that...that you usually hear on a daily basis inside your own head...to hear those out loud by someone who you've done nothing but be kind towards...  
  
Well, it hurts.  
  
It already sucks to be officially diagnosed with severe anxiety that has fortunately tamed itself and depression which can't go away forever, but it's not there all the time and that's good. Great even.  
  
It sucks because...because you've just spent a good few weeks plucking up the courage to speak properly to everyone new in this course. You've been here from the start with him, who you know from school but never spoke much to, and you've done nothing but say your daily hellos and goodbyes and even making some jokes with each other.  
  
All the while having to listen to those thoughts in your head screaming at you to stop doing everything you're doing. Stop showing up to the cooking course, you're not even good. The mentors are probably sick of having to teach you over and over again whenever you make a mistake. The mentors probably gossip about you behind your back, discussing ways to get you to quit because you're that bad.   
  
Everyone on the course hates cooking, but you love it with a passion, the way you watch the pizza dough prove in the bowl, how it went from something small to something huge within two hours.  
  
And he helped you make it. He sits there with a smile while staring at his phone and then laughs and of course the first thing you think is...have they found out that I've got a secret fan account on Instagram for my favourite tv show?  
  
Of course that's highly unlikely but...with your luck...well it's probably likely...  
  
There's a million thoughts going through your head already. From this morning...when you lost your bus fare and you lost your phone in the pouring rain and...and you had to get kicked off of the bus because your bus ticket was apparently wrong...  
  
And everything about this had to be your fault because who elses fault could it be?  
  
And what's even worse?  
  
You probably deserve it.  
  
At least...that's what the thoughts say.  
  
One thing about this cooking course that you realise is that every single day for the past seven weeks (god has time flew by already) you've done every single thing the mentors ask you to do. You wash every single bowl, plate, mugs and cutlery until your fingers wrinkle up and your forehead becomes sweaty it's that much work. Nobody else on the course does anything, they do nothing but sit there in their five hundred pound worthy outfits and mess about on their phone. Two of them always show up stoned and never know what planet they're on and...  
  
Well the only 'normal' ones happen to be you and your friend.  
  
Today's been pretty irritating though. You've had a stressful morning and whenever you try to cook, or try to decorate something, or try to do a nice simple easy task, he always pushes you out of the way and demands that he does it instead.   
  
And what else can you do but listen to the voice in your head telling you that he can probably do it better so just let him do it?  
  
Hmm?  
  
Nothing. Listen to the voice.  
  
The mentors sometimes notice. They pull you aside after the course finishes and ask you if you're ok and your natural response is to smile with all of your teeth and nod and then look away because you can't stand lying.  
  
"I'm fine"   
  
And that's enough to satisfy them.  
  
They do ask you that if you want extra support, they're always willing to sort something out but...you've just finished therapy sessions a month ago and you're definitely not keen to go back anytime soon.   
  
Lunchtimes are the worst. They're a whole forty-five minutes to an hour long and it's way too long in your opinion. You do have free WiFi there but...it's difficult to get any privacy on your phone whatsoever. Anytime you get a chance to just chill out and go on YouTube and begin to watch a TV soap, someone will always run behind you (Stupid Tracy) and squeeze your shoulders and even kneel behind your chair to watch so obviously on your phone.   
  
You always switch it off with a blush and then everyone switches on the music and turn it up to the maximum volume making the voices inside your head yell at you to run out of the room because...well because being in the same room with extremely loud music just means that some things wrong...  
  
And plus it reminds you of your own home life, every single weekend when you have to experience yet another house party with the music blaring and the drunken singing and...ugh...everything just feels wrong when you're there...  
  
The bathroom works to clear your mind for a few minutes but you can't even get any privacy in there without someone knocking and asking if anyone's in. They know you're in there but they love to annoy you...  
  
And so, your peaceful two minutes in the bathroom is done and over with because of them.  
  
Next Friday comes along...and nothing goes right at all. You end up showing up at the place over an hour late and you're trying your best to rub away your tears without making it obvious that your crying...  
  
The voices in your head tell you it's embarrassing and people are going to look and judge you right away. There's already been at least a million staring at your presumably red face and equally red and purple puffy eyes. Crying has never made you the slightest bit attractive, but if anything, it makes you look disgusting with snot falling from your nose and then you need to wipe it away with your jacket sleeve.  
  
You end up wiping your nose so much that it turns the skin red, irritates the skin and makes people think that you've been snorting coke or something.  
  
But you show up at the cooking course still and...well it's a Friday so as per usual no-one shows up.  
  
It's only you, your friend and another guy that you don't like but you're getting used to his crude and sexist jokes.   
  
You cook pizza, you clean everything and the events of today just weigh down on you, making your head pound and the lump on your throat appear yet again. It's hard to swallow it down. Really hard.  
  
Your eyes water because you've spent over an hour at the sink washing dishes, your fingers are wrinkly and you've cut yourself three times on the knife and sharp edge of the oven tray. Your eyes also water because you've spent that long at the sink alone, doing the same thing over and over again that the thoughts in your head come back and remind you how much of a failure you are to be crying at something as stupid as this morning. So what if you lost your phone? You got it back so stop whining about how scary the experience was. So what if you got kicked off a bus? Your gran gave you bus fare so stop whinging about it!  
  
And it's so annoying because you end up speaking to your own thoughts, telling them to shut up but it's like someone's wrapped clingfilm around your mouth while it's open just to mock you. How you can NEVER stop talking whenever you're nervous or trying to make a good first impression.  
  
You nick your skin on a knife yet again, except...yeah, this ones bad. You dont even feel the pain of it but a small piece of skin is hanging off and...shit, it's not even a slice, it's actually a small chunk of skin that's bleeding quite badly.  
  
You leave the dishes, the sticky pizza dough still stuck on the bowls, still refusing to come off despite you having scrubbed it for twenty minutes. You find a plaster in your bag and the mentor laughs at your clumsiness but you know he's only kidding. The other two who are supposed to be cleaning are sitting there, doing nothing as per usual and now you can feel how painful the cut is and...things just get too much that you can feel your cheeks warm and...  
  
And he has the cheek to ask if you've done the dishes yet. He actually asks you if you've finished because nobody can go home until all the dishes are done and they're dying to go home already.  
  
You only shake your head, stick the plaster down and throw the paper in the bin. Biting back a cheeky remark when he asks if you've cut yourself, you're dying to just speak sarcastically and shove it in his face and tell him it's obviously jam...  
  
But you don't because you hear your grans voice in your head telling you to let it through one ear and out the other. So you stay respectful and well, now you're nervous and for some stupid reason, acting like Chandler from friends and making a joke seems to be the only answer here.  
  
So you laugh and tell him to go on through and see which plate is covered in blood.  
  
Which...is supposed to be a lame excuse of a joke, nevertheless, it's a joke anyways and...well, you don't expect the impact afterwards.  
  
Because your only friend on the course turns around and...and maybe he's actually louder because he's all you can focus on, but he starts full on shouting at you. You can feel the walls vibrate with his volume and the back of your eyes sting because he's shouting at you, telling you that apparently you've been staring at him these past seven weeks looking at him like he was nothing. And then...well, it's like one of the thoughts in your head had a soul and flew out of your head just to plant itself in his body.   
  
He's still going on and on about how you make him feel worthless and then he hits out with...  
  
"You're nothing! You'll always be nothing!"  
  
Which is what stings the most. Someone's wrapped clingfilm around your mouth again, except this time, they've grabbed your throat and refused to let go. They're pinching at the centre of your neck, creating their own lump because that's what it feels like, it feels like its forced.   
  
You want to go home. You want to leave and go home and curl up in bed and have a good sob. You want to just run away and cry and cry until even your bones are dry.   
  
The mentors finally step in with a loud "OI!" and the woman pulls him aside and tells him to chill out. He only keeps shouting and telling her that you make him feel worthless and...well what if he's right?  
  
You excuse yourself and go back to doing dishes despite your blood dripping from your hands. Literally. It's not like a scene from a movie. Its happened all your life whenever you cut yourself accidentally, it bleeds and bleeds and bleeds...it really does.  
  
You have a small cry at the sink, but get rid of it when you remember you're still in the building and toughen up right away. Ten mentally strong shields made of silver iron are surrounding you in a circle, refusing to let anyone in and see you. That's the way you like it, it should always be like that.  
  
Whenever one disappears, it makes a new entrance, an easy way to let people in and hurt you.  
  
One of the mentors come in and you can still hear him shouting from the other room about how you make him feel like nothing. The mentor pats your shoulder and you flinch violently because when people touch you when you're in the middle of over thinking, it feels like someone's ready to attack you. It sounds crazy but it's true.  
  
The mentor tells you that you can leave the rest of the dishes and he takes your hand and tries to fix it. You dont want to be there any more and you apologise because all they're doing is trying to make you better and you're just messing everything up as per usual.   
  
But you wait. You wait until he leaves and you have the urge to tell your mentor that your friend lashing out at you is your fault. It's always your fault.  
  
And then they try and do the nice thing and say it's not your fault but how can you believe that when the thoughts in your head tell you that it is your fault. Like an ongoing mantra.   
  
It's your fault. It's your fault. It's your fault!  
  
You grab your jacket, bag and phone and say goodbye to your mentors with a fake big wide toothy smile and leave the building. As soon as you step outside, the weight of today's problems pound down on you and you finally let it out. You cry and wail and sob behind a big white van until your throat burns and as soon as you cough, the thoughts in your head remind you to toughen up. Stop crying. Stop being a big baby and just stop crying!  
  
And you try. You really really try.  
  
People walk by without a care in the world, all rushing off to collect their children from school.   
  
Finally, your tears stop ever so slightly and you know your bus is coming soon so you rush to get it. Of course...the bus leaves as soon as you get to the bus stop five minutes late and you have to wait half an hour for another one. Just your luck.  
  
You deserve it.  
  
Only bad luck happens to people who deserve it.  
  
You wait though. You sit there in the pouring rain with your earphones in and play music full blast until someone gives you a weird look and turn it all the way down because...what if they heard what you're listening to and are judging you?  
  
The bus comes and you get on. There's a lot of seats empty but you get the one at the very back so no-one can see what you do on your phone. You text your best friend all about today. Adam replies with comforting messages and tells you to calm down because you already feel on the verge of a panic attack.  
  
The bus journey ends and you nearly miss your stop because the bus is full now and you struggle to move past people without apologising a million times. Theres a drunken old man on the bus who shouts at you when you accidentally hit your bag against his shoulder and you just sprint off the bus and take a huge breath of fresh air.  
  
Off to Granny Faiths we go then...  
  
You walk into Granny Faiths with a fake smile and you excuse yourself to use the toilet to have a quick cry again only to beat yourself up seconds after. Stupid crying. Stupid tears. Stupid baby self...  
  
The thing is...Granny Faith always knows when you're ready to cry. She always knows that you suffer from all these thoughts every single day and how they intensify when you're stressed. She knocks on the door and you check the time on your phone after wiping your eyes. You've been in there for twenty minutes.  
  
That's a long time.  
  
Still, you cough to get rid of the lump in your throat and put on a fake voice as if you haven't been battling a million demons in the space of six hours. Six hours too long...  
  
"Aaron? You ready anytime soon? Not to rush you or anuthung but I'm bursting!"  
  
You shout back that you'll be out in two seconds and wave your hands in front of your eyes to dry out your skin to get rid of the redness.  
  
You leave the bathroom and she rushes in after you and locks the door. You walk into the livingroom and...sitting there on the couch with a small blue teacup full of milky tea, is...  
  
"Robert?"  
  
Robert puts down his teacup on the saucer and smiles. He's still wearing his overalls from his mechanic college course and...oh. It's a Friday. He finishes early...  
  
Robert presses a small kiss on your head, feels you flinch and backs away with his hands up, palms facing you.  
  
"Aaron?"  
  
And just hearing him sound so concerning...it sets something off in you. Makes you want to apologise despite doing nothing.  
  
"Aaron? Are you...has it been another day?"  
  
And...it has. So you nod and Robert only wraps his arms around you as you cry gently into his dirty dark blue overalls.  
  
Somehow...Robert brought out everything in you.  
  
You cry and tell him all about the thoughts in your head returning but they're stronger now because everything went wrong this morning. You apologise after everything you say because....You need to and he tells you to stop apologising.  
  
.....  
  
Tuesday morning comes around and you can't help but feel...sick to the stomach standing in front of the building, sweaty hands gripping onto your bag strap. You wait a couple of minutes until your phone vibrates and you see a message from Robert.  
  
'You'll do great! Show everyone how amazing you are!'  
  
You smile and completely forget to text back a thank you, but his message is enough to give you the courage to walk in anyways.  


**Author's Note:**

> In case anyone is confused. He referred to Aarons friend he made in the course. I actually have an art course that still requires cleaning dishes. This whole experience happened to me last Friday. Minus the boyfriend part. My dad actually comforted me when I went to my grans after my art course.


End file.
